People Change….. 🙂
People Change….. 🙂
When I talk to people about my past I always refer to the times as either before or after I “changed”, and this change was when I drop nearly 100lbs and discovered a WHOLE new lease on life; which took place between Fall 07 – Winter 08.
I lost it, and didn’t realize it. I started working for H&M in October 2005, and I was super-chunky….lol, and what scared me was that my boss at the time (temp store manager from NYC) told us when we were hired, “If you don’t stay fit, or lost weight, you are NOT doing your job properly, and I’ll fire you!” She was mean, but she was right!
……so yea…….I ended up dropping from a size 18 down to a size 4/6 and just shy of 100lbs total.
To me, it was a miracle! I had finally achieved what everyone said I wouldn’t and got I wanted more than anything else in life, and almost more than life itself.
…..More than money, more than fancy things, more than air to breath….I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to be beautiful (not perfect, but pretty). I wanted a beautiful body, and after a little over a year, I finally had it.
I BECAME STUNNING….I turned into exactly what I had imagined myself as….ever since I was little, and I would get beat up…I always held on to this physical fixation about myself. I ultimately achieved the “impossible”, and the reaction from the public was overwhelming….almost to a fault.
This is where I found out that the grass isn’t always greener, and this was showing true in some aspects of my new “life”
The first thing I noticed was it was not difficult to get attention from really anybody. This was polar opposite from what I had been used to. I would go walking down the street and have random cars pull over and ask if I needed anything. I would always just smile, giggle, and decline, then go about my business. Before, people would go out of their way just to avoid me. It was just so different…I almost didn’t know how to handle it.
The part I loved the most (besides knowing I was healthy) was that I NO LONGER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT MY LOOKS! It was no longer on my mind. I no longer had to wonder if someone didn’t like me because of my weight….I knew that if they didn’t like me, it was because they didn’t like my personality. Which for me, was waaaayyy easier to accept than “oh you’re just too fat” LOL — Twisted, but true.
When I “changed” I didn’t just change physically, but my outlook on the world around me changed along with it. Mostly good, but some bad. One of the bad aspects was when I had truly realized HOW MUCH IMPORTANCE is placed on appearances. How I dressed & presented myself would dictate how people I interacted with treated me in return. Not a favorite trait from our society, but if you can’t beat em, join em.
One of my main motivations that keeps me fighting for my company ever single day, unfortunately, is the hope that I will be able to resign from being a police dispatcher. Some ask me why would I want to give up dispatching; which CAN provide a solid, secure lifestyle; for a dream that doesn’t have the same type of security….The answer is….well there are many reasons why….thought I would share a few, so people understand where I am coming from, and how I am making the transition from this profession into an apparel entrepreneur.
I have been a police dispatcher since Spring 2009, and the areas I provide assistance for are some of the heaviest crime-ridden areas of St. Louis County, and just outside of St. Louis City. If you follow my tweets on my @PDispatcherSTL, you can see the continuous headlines I post of shootings, murders, pursuits, burglaries, robberies, domestic assault, drunk drivers….. daily. Due to its sheer volume, I don’t post a lot of what takes place in these areas anymore, simply because it would severely depress people who need hope verses non-stop crime updates.
I see myself as a very compassionate and empathetic person, even to complete strangers…it’s really weird, but I do. With dispatching, you have to become desensitized, most people do over time, and those who don’t or can’t, it tends to stick with them for a very long time… if not…. for life. Most of my calls, are things you would expect to hear about in an action-drama-thiller Hollywood movie, but it’s not. It’s real, and it concerns me to see that crime is claiming more lives, all the while, suspects are getting younger and younger…truly frightening to me.
I don’t want to have to detach my emotional mind and sensitivity in order to maintain this profession. My fault….. is that I care VERY much, to the residents that are stuck in between this war with police and some of the worst criminals I have ever heard of (ie: gang members, murders, those who do nothing more than live to victimize other people) My heart breaks for these TRUE victims every time they call me for help.
Most people get in to law enforcement for the “adrenaline rush” it can give you when you have a big call — major crimes, felony crimes. Others, want to help, like myself, but regardless of the motives of getting into this line of work either as a dispatcher or a commissioned officer, it is never easy, and if you are a bit more emotionally sensitive than others (empathetic) :::raising hand in admittance::: this type of work can and will hit you much harder.
In the three short years I have been a dispatcher, I can’t count how many screaming voices I’ve heard, how many mother’s have called my lines hysterical because their 15 year old child had just been shot…. simply because his neighborhood is infested with gangs. Not even involved with those responsible for the shooting and not the intended target. I will never forget what those voices sound like. No one does, and once you have been exposed to this side of society, you definitely look at society from a different view. Yes…..you do get the reward of helping a lot of people, and protecting the officers….you help to save lives, but the major downside is you sacrifice your emotional and mental state of mind.
All-in-all this profession is beginning to wear down my emotional optimism.
I am very happy that I have had this experience to take with me, but I am very much looking to close this chapter in my life, and beginning the next one!