Finally in the process of relaunching!! Items are picked out and on their way. Drawing up so many ideas that it’s hard to keep them organized. So many possibilities. So many hopes and expectations I have. -Overall, just so excited to be getting back to what I do best.
I almost don’t know where to begin. Everything with CTA’s developement and progress was going better than I could imagine, and then a bombshell hit me, impacting every single aspect of my life; most prolifically, Cargo Train head-on!
December was a great month for the company. I was planning a half a dozen new projects and excited to bring in the new year living a dream that I had spent my life daydreaming about, and in January of this year, that dream came to an absolute stand-still. It’s the first time ever did a personal situation ever effect my work. Most specifically, my marriage.
When I began building this company, doing all of the research, logo designing, networking, etc…my husband would tell me that he was so excited for me, and that he would be disappointed if I ever stopped fighting for my dream with launching Cargo Train, and I foolishly believed his words, until I slowly began to see that the further I took Cargo Train, the more friction began to build up between he and I. I was totally perplexed. He was telling me this, but his actions were showing me something completely different.
I knew things were getting bad when my family members started reaching out to me, and telling me that my husband was “overbearing” and “controlling” me. Having what I thought was a solid marriage and family life, I didn’t want to believe what they were trying to tell me. From that night, I began watching him closer than I ever have….looking for clues and signs that would somehow validate what my family was trying to tell me. So I said, “fuck it”, let’s find out, and I simply went out with my friends one night to a cafe that I had been going to since I was 14 years old. Something I haven’t done since getting married, being a new mom and starting CTA (common sacrifice when youre a self-funded solopreneur…the social life is always the first to go), my daughter stayed with my mother that night, and the night was going smoothly…..that was until I came back home around 1:30am.
With my daughter sleeping in my arms. I opened the door and walked into the living room; I was completely devastated with what I saw. My house was a disaster! I kept my cool, and calmly put my daughter into her bed, and then went from room to room, guaging and “taking in” what he had done just because I went out against his wishes. I walked from the kitchen to the dining room table to find one of my boxes with a knife sticking out of it, and that honestly scared me. I took it as an immediate threat for my safety, even thought he had never been physical with me before, I knew better than to underestimate someone’s ability to do anything. My stomach plummeted, and instantly thought of my office on the 2nd floor where I ran all of Cargo Train’s admin and shipping. Inventory was kept in a room down the hall from my office which doubled as my make shift photography studio……everything had been destroyed! My equipment, my files, the items I had been prepping for sale that week, my props, supplies…..he destroyed everything out of a senseless act of pure jealousy.
I almost didn’t know how to react. So many emotions were hitting me at once. All I could think of was the magnitude of the sacrifices I had made in order to live my dream: time away from our daughter, saving money for more inventory or supplies instead of buying things for myself. The hundreds of hours I had dedicated to the progress of Cargo Train. Severals days every week only sleeping maybe 2-3 hours before going into my dispatching job (midnights), then coming home and taking care of our daughter while he worked 12+ hours, all the while, playing “perfect wife” cooking the meals, cleaning the house….I was cinderella without the fancy dress and my prince charming being my worst nightmare —I was just…..devastated.
He killed my dream. He took the one thing I loved as much as being a mother……my ability to adequetly operate my company.
To me, CTA was just like having a 2nd child. I created it, nurtured it, supported it, sacrificed for it, dreamt about it my whole life….I saw CTA no different than my own daughter, of course the only difference being that I would never sacrifice my daughter’s well-being for Cargo Train, she always came first…regarless of the dreams I had. So mentally, he took one of my children from me. I swallowed hard, and walked into the guest bedroom, where he was passed out on the bed, and I calmly informed him that he had 48 hours to remove himself from the house, or I was going to do it for him. The hardest part was the confirmation of all the “feelings” and “signs” I had been noticing for awhile, but refused to acknowledge. What “good wife” would? I was in denial because I loved him as much as I did.
This was my husband, the man who made an oath to love me and be there for me until the end of time. Never expecting ever that he would be the one that was sabatoging my every effort, every step of the way! Placing roadblocks in front of me, and getting more and more constricting when I was overcoming, not only, being the underdog entrepreneur of St. Louis, but all the extras he was throwing at me as well. I kept reaching goals, and his resentment towards my ambitions kept growing!
I am still coping with the aftermath and the separation to this day now nearly 10 months later, and the struggle didn’t end in back in January…..little did I know, they were only the beginning! The worst was still to come. It probably took me about 2 weeks before I had the strength to walk back into my office and begin salvaging what I could. Being a self-funded startup, I knew I had no extra finances to replace what was destroyed. I cried….a lot, the pain from the betrayal was bad enough, but battling both the loss of my company and the loss of the “ideal” family life was overwhelming. Faking smiles for my daughter so that she didn’t have to see how sad mommy was all the time, and that daddy was to blame. I didn’t want to push my feelings and thoughts of my ex-husband out on her, she still very much adored her father, and coming from someone who never had that privilege, I wasn’t about to take that from her…..so I would lie day after day and say mommy got mascara or my infamous liquid liner in my eye…it made for a perfect excuse for the tears.
That night in January changed me completely…..inside and out! I turned to fitness as an outlet for the pain and increidble anger I was stuck with and as a way of preparing me to become a single mom, and all that was to follow after the separation. Even though, CTA was growing up beautifully, my ex-husband was still the bread winner after my “night job” closed for business; so I relied solely on Cargo Train to fill in the financial gap. The next several months after we separated, I lost everything one by one….the car (repo’d), the house (expired lease), sold many of my possessions just to make ends meet for me and my daughter, and accepting that I was about to become homeless for the first time in my life. I had to send my daughter to stay with my mother while I began this very…….long……road….back to where it was before everything came tumbling down. I am still working on that as I write this. I am still homeless, but looking forward to a new apartment within the next month, and when that happens, you bet your ass, Cargo Train will be coming with me. I will pick up the pieces, and this time around, it will be on my own terms, not under the dictation of another! Some dreams come and go, but real dreams never die! Not a day passed that I didn’t think of my dream that was taken from me. Real dreams stick with you when there seems to be “no hope”, always know……THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!
Today, I am working hard and looking forward at relaunching Cargo Train Apparel (hopefully) by January 2015. Until then, I am focusing on the crucial steps I need to take in order to reach this massive goal; only this time around, it will be on my own terms, and not under the the controlling dictation of someone else. ():-)
–After some time had passed, I later asked my ex-husband (after we regained our civility for the sake of our young daughter) why he did what he did, and his response….”I couldn’t accept having a wife more successful than me” –My lips pressed together, I simply just nodded, and responded, “Ok”
Ridiculous!
Was just a little lost for a bit, but finally found my way back!! Looking to relaunch CTA April 1st; 9 days short of my 30th birthday. Thought I would start the next decade of my life out on the right track. Starting with myself.
I know I haven’t blogged in awhile. And that is due to both good and bad events that have recently taken place. I’ll elaborate what I mean when the dust settles. Til then, keep in touch!
Twitter:
@CargoTrain
@MichelleLVargas or @VargasSTL
Sweet.
From years of dreaming and that single college-rule spiral bound notebook to this moment; I can’t begin to describe what I’m feeling, but one immense emotion I have at the moment is just pure gratitude to EVERY SINGLE ONE of my team members, mentors, customers, fans, supporters, and CTA cheerleaders that never allowed me, for a moment, to think that giving up was ever an option. After 2+ years of holding on to the dream, CTA officially becomes a reality. Let’s get to work!
Looking back over the last few months; not sure if life was testing my passions or patience, but I managed to tough it out, didn’t give up, and now feel that I have overcome some pretty massive obstacles that were standing in my way, and things have been going very well ever since.
No…..I don’t have a physical store, and no, I don’t have my own swanky mega-site (yet), but that’s not stopping me from doing the work that I love to do NOW!
To me, there’s no better feeling. I’m doing exactly what I set out to do:
• Working in fashion ✔️
• Building an eco-friendly and socially responsible company ✔️
• Helping people ✔️
So like a baby bird learning to fly, I’m spreading my wings and selling various pieces of my collections via eBay. Is it my ideal path? No, but I figured, I have a $578 start-up goal, and I need to get cracking!
Lastly, I’m happy to report that I am nearly at the half way mark of that $578 goal, and it hasn’t even been 2 weeks.
Just imagine where I’ll be in the next 2 years.
MORAL: Do what you love, with what you have.
():-)
Dear CTA Family,
I am reaching out to all of you for the first time ever in asking you to assist me in the launch of the Cargo Train Apparel online resale store. The goal is to go live on January 1, 2014, but It will only be possible if I can reach my startup goal of $500. I am hoping that my pre-launch sales via eBay will account for the majority of the launch costs needed, but not all of it, and due to the government shutdown, they are not issuing any small business loans at this time.
This is why I am coming to you. Your assistance will secure the necessary funds to take care of basic legalities (federal and state licensing and registration fees), office supplies, and the initial inventory for the launch.
I have been fortunate enough to have CPA and attorney services available to me at no charge, but that is only half the battle. There are still a few more hurdles to overcome.
This company is nearly 2 years in the making, and it’s never been so close to becoming a reality.
With that said, If you feel that you are in a position to lend your assistance, please do so via Paypal; using either my phone number or email address.
REMEMBER: even a little can go a very long way in this industry, and each dollar is another step closer to going live.
Lastly, As I sit here and write this, I’m overwhelmed with an immense feeling of gratitude to each and everyone of you. I honestly can’t begin to thank ALL of you that have kept my ambitions strong over the past couple of years, which has in return, kept me fighting for my dreams. Without you, none of this would be possible!
Feel free to contact me with any questions and/or suggestions.
I’ve survived summer. I knew it was going to be a challenging one. Toughest one in years actually, and now it’s time to: get up, brush myself off, and get ready for Round 2.
I’m ready.
Lots going on, big changes. Waiting out the storm to be able to see the rainbow.
Awaiting final word on whether the landlord of the property I’m working diligently to get will accept me as a tenant. If approved, CTA will be able to continue progressing and growing…getting now just mere steps from reaching my home store goal; if rejected, then it’ll be time to find another path to take for Cargo Train.
I’ve never been so nervous, and a job loss and marriage separation is making this venture 10x more difficult. All that is driving me right now is the pure passion I have for my company and for my future.
Only time will tell. I hope to be able to report back with good news.
Stay tuned!
Cargo Train Apparel Exchange 